


Of love, forgiveness and redemption

by ylc



Category: The Hobbit - All Media Types
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Misunderstandings, Pining, Romance, Unplanned Pregnancy, fem!Thorin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-20
Updated: 2015-12-16
Packaged: 2018-04-16 08:06:55
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 18,496
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4617852
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ylc/pseuds/ylc
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Being in love is complicated enough. Add a few misunderstandings, a dose of guilt, the pressure of rebuilding a kingdom, the well intended, but not entirely welcome meddling family and you're in serious trouble. Add a baby... and you're in quite a mess.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An unexpected blessing.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi there! So, I’m back with a new fic for this fandom! Technically, I still have one WIP, but I’m mostly done with it, I just need to figure out whether or not I really want to end it where I ended it, so… yeah, I’m gonna pretend I’ve already finished “Identity”.  
> Anyway, this story has little in common with my previous ones, but the idea actually came to me in a dream (which, of course, ought to be a little troubling but I’m willing to overlook that). I liked it enough to start sketching the plot out and well… it has potential. Hopefully I’ll be able to bring forward its full potential…  
> So, enough of my ramblings. Enjoy?

Thorin wakes up slowly. Her head feels dizzy and for a few seconds, the room sways a bit, making her close her eyes once more, to fight off the nauseous feeling in the pit of her stomach. The room is eerily quiet and dark, the only light illuminating it a small candle burning low next to her bed.

Through half closed eyelids she examines the place. The room is mostly bare, with only a small table filled with medicines and a bowl of soup. She feels weak with thirst and hunger, so she assumes that although they’ve been feeding her, she hasn’t quite managed to keep anything down. It’s not a very reassuring thought.

Her eyes swept over the rest of the room and her heart stops when she catches a glimpse of copper curls. She gulps nervously and closes her eyes, trying to clear her head, hoping the hallucination will disappear. Because obviously that’s what it is; an image conjured by her half-drugged mind. There’s not a single reason for Bilbo to be at her bedside. Not after what happened with the Arkenstone.

Except that when she opens her eyes, there he is. He’s sound asleep, although Thorin doubts the position he’s in is particularly comfortable. Carefully, almost expecting him to disappear if she moves too abruptly, she places a hand over Bilbo’s arm. The hobbit stirs, but doesn’t wake and Thorin holds back a sob.

He’s really here. She doesn’t understand why or how, but he’s here and that’s the only thing that matters.

She closes her eyes and lets sleep claim her once more.

* * *

 

The next time she wakes up, someone is cleaning her wounds with a wet rag. The water feels delicious over her fevered skin and she lets out a pleased sigh that goes unnoticed by her caregiver. She can barely keep her eyes open, but she forces herself to see just who is taking care of her so tenderly.

Once again, Bilbo is the one at her bedside. Her breath catches; Bilbo’s look is one of open concern and she doesn’t understand why would he look at her like that. Whatever they had is long over; she threw it away in the throes of her Gold Sickness. That Bilbo is still here it’s a miracle itself, to think that he still cares for her… that’s impossible.

Still-

She tries to talk, but her throat feels dry from disuse. It feels like too much of an effort, so she doesn’t try again. Besides, she doesn’t know what she could possibly say and if she speaks now, she’s fairly certain that Bilbo will stop looking at her with so much love and that’s something she can’t stand right now.

It’s all an illusion, she knows, images conjured by the fever. Still, she’s willing to pretend.

Facing the truth it’s much of a challenge.

* * *

 

She’s not sure how much time passes, but one day she opens her eyes and she’s not feeling as tired. She looks around and realizes she’s alone in the room. Not for the first time, she wonders if Bilbo was just part of her fevered dreams.

It’s awful, thinking she’ll never see her hobbit again now that the fever is gone. If only for that, she hopes the infection will reclaim her soon enough.

“You’re awake.”

She turns her head slowly, feeling like any sudden movement will make it explode. Standing at the entrance is Bilbo, holding a tray with soup and a glass of water. She nods once, not quite trusting her voice.

“Oh, thank Yavanna!” Bilbo exclaims, hurrying to the side of the bed. He places the tray on the small table and kneels next to Thorin, taking her hands in his. “You’re awake,” he repeats, sounding incredulous and the Queen looks at their joined hands with something between happiness and dread.

“How-” she tries speaking, but her throat still feels dry like sand and so Bilbo hands her the glass of water. She forces herself to take small sips despite her thirst, knowing that otherwise she’ll end up getting sick. “How is everyone else? The Battle-”

“The Battle was won,” Bilbo explains, his eyes bright with unshed tears. “It’s been 3 months since that, Thorin.”

That doesn’t sound right. Has she really been sick for so long? It seems unlikely. Dwarves are a resilient race that either heals quickly or just dies. Such a long period hanging between life and death… it doesn’t make sense.

She’s not one to question her luck, though. “My sister’s sons?” she questions quietly, fearing the worse. She remembers seeing Fili being stabbed and Kili rushing to avenge his brother, but-

“They’re fine,” Bilbo replies and then winces. “Well- they’re okay, I guess. They were badly injured, but they somehow managed to heal. They’ve been fulfilling their duties as heirs to the best of their abilities.” He pauses, swallowing nervously. “We thought- we didn’t think you were going to recover.”

She nods. If she really has been fighting off the infection for so long, it was logical to assume she wasn’t going to pull through. “Fili is ruling as Regent and Balin is his main advisor. Kili has been managing the negotiations with Men and Elves and-”

She’s only half listening. All the other times she woke up and found Bilbo next to her, she had allowed herself to think that maybe she had been forgiven. Now that she’s wide awake she can see the truth, though.

Bilbo is no longer wearing a courting braid.

“Why are you still here?”

It’s not the right question and certainly not the best way to phrase her confusion at the hobbit’s presence, but she’s still tired and so her brain-mouth filter  is not working at its best.

Bilbo’s expression closes off immediately, as he stands up and lets go of Thorin’s hand. “It’s the middle of the winter. I couldn’t- I couldn’t travel back to the Shire in this weather. I- Fili said I could stay in the Mountain, at least until you woke up and proclaimed differently.”

She frowns lightly. “You can stay here,” she says, looking away, realizing she’s embarrassingly close to tears. She supposes that the hobbit has somewhat forgiven her or he wouldn’t be looking after her, but it’s obvious that he no longer holds her in the same regard that he did before they entered the Mountain.

Gone are the days when he had loved her and she had loved him.

He still cares in a way, she imagines. But caring for someone is no reason enough for marriage.

“I’ll like to be alone, if you don’t mind,” she says, glad her voice doesn’t break. “And I would like to see the boys later.”

Bilbo nods tightly and exits the room, not saying another word. Thorin closes her eyes and lets silent tears roll down her cheeks. She feels like someone has stabbed her all over again and wonders if death wouldn’t have been a more merciful fate.

It certainly seems that way.

* * *

 

Bilbo doesn’t visit after that. Or maybe he does, but she’s never awake for those visits. She still sleeps most of the day and can barely take a few steps before her legs collapse under her. Oín sentences her to some more bedrest and soon enough she grows restless, but she’s still too weak to try to defy the doctor’s orders.

Her sister’s sons come and go often, keeping her updated with the going ons of the Kingdom. They seem to be doing fairly well on their own, but now that she’s awake, they consult everything with her. She tells them that it’s not necessary, that she trust their judgement and both boys beam at her, making her smile too.

She’s proud of them and of the whole Company, really, who are somehow managing to restore the Kingdom while their Queen lies in bed, unable to stay up for long periods of time.

Her strength isn’t coming back; on the contrary, she feels weaker with each passing day. She sleeps a lot and she can barely keep any food down, which is more than a little worrying. Her wounds have healed and the infection has receded, but she’s still forced to stay in bed.

She wishes her body will make a decision: either she lives or dies, but this in between… she can’t stand it.

She asks about Bilbo’s welfare to everyone. She thinks it might be a little pathetic, the way she’s so obviously pinning, but nobody calls her out for it. If anything, they all look hopeful, like they honestly think things between her and the hobbit can be worked out.

They can’t, obviously. Bilbo stayed out of necessity and looked after her out of some ridiculous sense of loyalty, but that’s it. He’s going back to the Shire come spring and she’ll never see him again.

It hurts too much to think about that.

She knows it’s her own bloody fault, but that doesn’t make it hurt any less. The things she did while goldsick are unforgivable, no matter what everyone assures her. Bilbo is a kind soul and he might be able to give some amount of forgiveness, but it’s unlikely he’ll forget she tried to kill him and just how exactly is that supposed to work out?

Besides, she doesn’t know what would be worst: Bilbo staying in Erebor and being just her friend or Bilbo going back to the Shire, where she’ll never see him again. She suspects the second option will be more merciful on her poor heart.

Either way, now she’ll never have what she had dreamed of. While they had been al Lake Town the future had seemed so bright… and so she had allowed herself to fantasize on the life they could have in Erebor. Of marrying Bilbo and spending the rest of her life with him. It had been the most beautiful daydream.

But that’s all that was; a daydream. It can’t become a reality now.

Having Bilbo never looking at her with open love or having Bilbo never looking at her at all. Staring at Bilbo with open adoration and knowing he’ll never stare back in the same way or never seeing Bilbo again. Selfish as it might be, she was going to go with option number 2.

Spring doesn’t seem to come soon enough.

* * *

 

When another month passes and Thorin’s improvement is minimal, Oín comes to check on her once more. Balin is already there, passing her strolls that need her signature and she’s bored out of her mind, so she welcomes the healer with a smile, hoping he’ll give her some good news.

She keeps on reading while Oín checks the wound on her belly. Azog’s blade pierce exactly beneath her ribcage, missing any vital organs by pure luck. A miracle on its own, really, but regardless of how life threatening the wound was, it doesn’t make sense that after 4 months she’s still bedridden.

Something else is going on here, although nobody seems to know what exactly.

As she discusses with Balin the finer points of the document she’s reading, she loses track of Oín movements, not noticing what he’s doing until she realizes he’s pressing something cold against her lower abdomen. “Is everything-” she starts, but is shushed by the doctor right away. Thorin frowns, but complies and waits patiently as Oín continues his examination.

He’s pressing some sort of hearing horn against her abdomen; the article is smaller than the one the doctor uses on regular basis and Thorin is not sure what it’s for, but she observes nervously, growing more worried with each passing second.

“Well?” she prompts, once Oín seems to have finished. The old dwarf is staring at her stomach intently, pondering something and Thorin feels more than a little unnerved.

“When was the last time you lay with Master Baggins?”

Thorin blushes scarlett. Next to her, Balin arches an eyebrow. “That’s- that’s not-” she stammers out, feeling ridiculously young. It’s not like she was blushing virgin before she came on this Quest, so the question shouldn’t unnerve her as much as it does. “It was just once,” she argues, looking at Balin with something akin to desperation. She knows it’s ridiculous to be embarrassed about it; they had been courting and she’s not a child anymore, for Mahal’s sake! There was nothing wrong with it. And yet- “Before- before we came into the Mountain.”

Oín nods. “Nothing to be embarrassed, your Majesty," the doctor assures her, making her blush deepen. “I was just trying to figure out how far along are you.”

Thorin feels mortified, because even if she’s not a child anymore, discussing her sex life is something she'd rather not do. Particularly in the presence of her oldest friend and advisor. On the other hand, it’s probably for the best that Balin is the one who came to bring her the documents today; she can’t imagine having this conversation in front of Fili or Kili (or even worse, both of them)

It takes a few seconds for her embarrassment to fade enough for her to realize what had Oín just said. “What?” she exclaims, immediately after and Oín smiles indulgently at her.

“If it was just once, as you said, then it means you’re exactly 4 months along. Taking into account the father’s race, I don’t think it’ll be a normal pregnancy, but-”

“WHAT?!” Thorin exclaims once more, losing all semblance of self-control she had. “I- I can’t- I don’t-”

“It’s unusual, yes, particularly considering how much was going on in your life at the time of the conception, but not impossible. Besides, based on what Master Baggins has told us, hobbits have a high fertility rate that-”

“I can’t be pregnant!” Thorin exclaims, desperate. “I just can’t be!”

Oín sighs. “Everything fits. Your body wasn’t just trying to recover from your injuries and fighting off the infection, but it was also trying to nurture a developing fetus. I’ll admit that’s not the way these things usually go, seeing that normally the body would try to get rid of the child if it puts too much stress on the mother, but a child of the line of Durin is expected to be more than a little stubborn, even in his mother’s womb.” He smiles gently at her and Thorin gulps audibly. She presses a hand over her lower abdomen, dread filling her every pore.

It’s not that she doesn’t want a baby. She never really pictured herself as a mother, mostly because she had too many duties that came first than her personal happiness. She always thought that if she married, it would be an arranged affair and she doubted she would have children at all. When Erebor fell, she had been certain she wouldn’t marry at all; there were far more pressing matters than that. When she had realized she had fallen in love with Bilbo, she had thought that that would lead nowhere, she had been too unfair to the hobbit for him to ever consider seeing her in that way. When Bilbo had accepted her offer for courting, she had started to believe that maybe, just maybe, she would actually marry and have children.

She has lost her chance for marriage (at least to someone she loves), but it seems that the Valar have been kind enough to not deprive her of children.

A baby. A child, half hers and half Bilbo’s. She wants to be happy, she wants to weep of joy, she wants to laugh, but she can’t. She can’t because she can’t imagine what Bilbo is going to say now and that fills her with fear and dread.

Bilbo is too noble to simply dismiss the news and go back to the Shire, pretending this never happened. If she tells him, he’ll want to stay, to watch his child grow, to raise him and love him. She thinks he might even want to marry her, out of some strange sense of duty and Shire’s mentality of what a proper hobbit ought to do in these circumstances. The mere idea is stomach turning.

She still loves him and wants him to stay, but not out of obligation. That wouldn’t be right. That would be unfair. Bilbo deserves to be happy; to find someone he can love and who’ll never ever hurt him.

She doesn’t realizes she’s crying until Balin pulls her into an embrace. Her body is shaking with sobs, her grief too big for words. She has been given the greatest of blessings and she can’t be happy, because she knows the circumstances are far from ideal.

She has costed her child its father and that’s unforgivable.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, thoughts anyone?  
> Here’s the thing. I had planned to have at least 5 chapters written before I started posting, but I can’t quite decide just how much angst it’s too much angst. Currently, I’ve thought of 4 ways this could go:  
> Bilbo finds out about the pregnancy before he goes back to the Shire and so obviously, he stays.  
> Bilbo doesn’t find out, goes back to the Shire, but comes back to Erebor after a few years, after realizing life in the Shire doesn’t suit him anymore.  
> Bilbo goes back to the Shire, something around 20-30 years pass and then one day there’s a Dwobbit standing outside his house.  
> Bilbo goes back to the Shire and he doesn’t find out he has a child until the issue with the One Ring is brought forward (which means that over 50 years have passed)  
> I like the four prospects, to be honest. They all have such great potential for character’s study and angst and pining (I’m a sucker for that)! So… let me know what you think, pretty please!!!  
> 


	2. Secrets

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which more people find out about the pregnancy and Thorin tries to figure out what to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, first of all, a huge THANK YOU to everyone who’s reading this, the response to this fic has been amazing and I’m terribly happy with it (I just love getting notifications!)  
> Secondly, also a millions THANKS to the people who left their opinions on the previous chapter. I’ve reached a decision, but you’ll find which one until the next chapter ;)  
> In the meantime… enjoy?

Oín leaves shortly after, but the Queen barely notices. Balin holds her tight, not saying a word as she keeps on crying until eventually she runs out of tears. “I can’t do this,” she whispers brokenly, hiding her face on her friend’s chest. Balin sighs.

“You need to talk to Bilbo. I’m sure that-”

“No,” Thorin says, her tone breaking no argument. “He can’t know. In fact, no one else can find out.”

“Thorin-”

“If he knows, he’ll stay. I- That wouldn’t be fair.”

“Maybe you should ask him what he wants to do, before you make any decisions on his behalf,” her old friend argues calmly, rubbing soothing circles over her back. “He deserves as much.”

Thorin lets out a broken sob. “It wouldn’t be right,” she repeats, still shaking uncontrollably and making Balin sigh once more.

“He still loves you, you know?”

This time she laughs, although without any trace of humor. “Of course he doesn’t.”

“Thorin, he looked after you while you were sick! Convincing him to leave your side even for a few minutes, just long enough to have something to eat or sleep a little was downright impossible, he-”

“He’s not wearing his courting braid anymore.”

Balin shuts up, clenching his jaw, but he doesn’t protest knowing she’s right. If Bilbo still felt something for her, he would have waited until they’d talked before taking off the braid. The thought hurts horribly, making her heart clench painfully. The pain is somehow even worse now, knowing there’s a child growing inside her.

“After what happened, you can’t blame him-”

“I don’t!” the Queen exclaims, frustrated. “I know he was completely entitled to end things; I know I hurt him, I know I don’t deserve forgiveness! I just- It hurts. I love him and I wish-” she interrupts herself, unwilling to keep on baring her soul. She still has her pride, after all.

Pride. Such a poor companion.

“You need to talk to him,” Balin repeats, after a while. “He needs to know.”

“He’ll stay out of duty,” Thorin whispers. “I can’t have that. I won’t- I wouldn’t stand it.”

Her friend sighs once more. “He’s the father. It’s his right.”

Thorin scoffs. “He just gave me his seed. I-”

“If you don’t tell him, that’s exactly all he’d have given you. But if you let him know- You know he’ll want to be part of the child’s life. For your baby’s sake Thorin- You can’t be selfish.”

“I’m not!” the Queen exclaims, struggling to stand up, trying to run away from this conversation. “I’m trying to do the selfless thing here! I could tell him. I could ask him to stay. I could probably convince him to marry me out of obligation, but that wouldn’t be right! He deserves-” she bites her lip viciously, trying to keep fresh tears from falling. “He deserves to find someone who can make him happy.”

Balin sighs. “You could.”

Thorin scoffs. “I really couldn’t. I’ve proven as much.”

“You were sick. You-”

“My grandfather was sick. It doesn’t excuse him from his faults, from what his greed brought upon our people. I was sick, but that doesn’t change the fact that I tried to kill the one I love.” She closes her eyes, turning away from Balin’s pitying look. “I’ve proven myself completely unfit to rule, unfit to love and generally unworthy of-”

“That’s enough.” Balin interrupts her firmly and Thorin shuts up. She glares at nothing in particular, frustration rolling out of her in waves. “None of that is true and you know it.” She opens her mouth to argue and her advisor narrows his eyes. “No. We’re not discussing this.”

Thorin nods reluctantly, the fight having been drained out of her. She’s tired again and she just wants to curl in bed and sleep some more.

“I want to be alone,” she informs him as calmly as she can. “I’ve got much to think about.”

Balin sighs but nods, leaving the room without adding anything else. Thorin collapses in bed and sighs too, wondering just how much more complicated her life can get.

Why is it that whenever things start to look up she manages to mess up?

* * *

 

Despite her weariness, sleep eludes her. She lies in bed, staring at the ceiling, willing her conflicted thoughts to stop circling her head. She has never felt this unsure, so terribly uncertain. She was raised as a Princess of Erebor, she was always meant to be Queen and so she’s used to make decisions even under the direst of circumstances. This, however, is proving to be too much for her.

Of course she wants to tell Bilbo. And some ridiculous part of her hopes that that will solve everything between them. But of course it won’t, because what she did is inexcusable and using her child like that… it’s completely unacceptable.

She was taught that, as Queen, other’s needs came before hers. Her own personal happiness was nothing in the the great scheme of things, so she knows that what she needs to do the selfless thing and think of Bilbo’s happiness before hers, but…

She wants to be selfish. She wants to demand that he does right by her (which is, once more, a ridiculous notion. It’s not like he owes her something, really). She wants Bilbo to stay and for them to work things out, but she doesn’t know how. Using her pregnancy to keep Bilbo where he doesn’t want to be-

Then again, that might not be the case. Maybe Balin is right and she needs to talk to him first, before making any rash decisions. In the end, she should let him make his own choice, but there’s no point in denying that telling him about the baby will definitely tip the balance in her favour. Bilbo’s honour won’t stand for him to leave her like this.

Not telling him though… that’s a crime she’s certain nor Bilbo nor her child will ever forgive her for. She might be able to hide the truth for a while, maybe even for a long while, but at some point the truth will come to light and then- then what?

With a weary sigh, she closes her eyes and forces her mind blank. She’s in no state to be making this type of decisions, but she doesn’t really have time. Bilbo is supposed to head back to the Shire in another month and she needs to know what she’s going to do before the preparatives for his trip begins.

In the end, she allows herself to drift off to sleep, willing to postpone thinking about her course of action for a little longer.

* * *

 

Thorin forces herself to take small walks around the mountain at least once a day. She doesn’t go far, knowing she’s still too weak, but also not being able to stay still any longer.

She’s eating better, even if she’s not hungry half of the time and the other half she feels nauseated just by the smell of food. Still, she knows what malnutrition could do to her baby and so she forces herself to eat, hoping that these last months won’t damage the child’s health too much.

She knows it’s unlikely she’ll miscarriage at this point, especially considering she didn’t when she was half-dying, but she'd rather not risk it. Besides, the child needs to be strong and healthy so he’ll live past the first decade.

Considering dwarflings’ death rate, she’s not keen on taking any chances.

She has lost a lot of weight, so that’s also against her. Birth will be difficult, she’s certain of that. She has a too wiry body with too narrow hips and that alone would make things difficult, but if she doesn’t gain weight, it’s fairly certain there’ll be complications. The thought of dying and leaving her child alone makes her stomach turn unpleasantly.

Stress isn’t helping, either. It’s not just that she has a Kingdom to rebuild, but also she worries constantly about what she’s going to tell Bilbo. It’s been a week since she found out about the pregnancy and she has yet to make a decision about what to (or not to) tell the hobbit.

She passes next to an alcove and stops, recognizing the voices coming her way. Her sister’s sons are as loud and rambunctious as ever; it’s hard to believe they were so close to death just a few months ago. She smiles, unconsciously placing a hand over her still flat stomach. The memory of her nephews running about, yelling and laughing makes her ache inside, thinking of the days that have passed and the ones to come.

For a few seconds, she allows herself to daydream of a bright future, filled with her child’s laughter.

Fili’s and Kili’s voices are joined by a third one and Thorin’s heart clenches painfully. She hides in the shadows, like a coward, hoping they won’t notice her.

“-be really something to see, once it’s finished.”

“I don’t doubt that,” Bilbo says and the Princes laugh merrily. “I wish I could see it.”

“It won’t take long.” Fili assures him. “A year, at most. You’ll see Bilbo, it’ll be-”

“I’m afraid I won’t be around for that.” The hobbit interrupts him smoothly. “I’ll be long gone by then.”

Silence. Thorin presses her back closer to the hard rock of the walls. “Are you really leaving, then?” Kili asks, his tone heartbroken.

Bilbo sighs. “Yes, I am. Come spring, I’ll go.”

“But Bilbo, Aunt said-”

“Thorin said I could stay here. I don’t think she meant forever.”

She did. That’s exactly what she meant. She hesitates, wondering if saying so aloud would help somehow. “And anyway, I’m afraid I can’t stand being here any longer,” Bilbo carries on, after a tense pause. “I just- I can’t stand- Being near your Aunt has been-” he sighs again. “I can’t stand it.”

Something breaks inside Thorin, although she’s not sure what. Surely her heart can’t break into even smaller pieces? Still, it certainly feels like it’s shattering once more. She caresses her belly once more, closing her eyes and begging for her child’s forgiveness, since it’ll be her fault he won’t meet his father.

She wishes there was something she could do to fix her mistakes, but evidently she can’t. She turns around and goes back to her room, uncaring if her nephews and Bilbo notice her hasty exit. She’s finding hard to breath and she realizes there are tears streaming down her cheeks, so she forces herself to pick up her pace, hoping to make it to her chambers without running into someone.

She doesn’t know why it hurts so badly. She already knew everything was lost.

Still, hearing the words from Bilbo’s mouth…

She’s beginning to wish Azog had finished her off.

* * *

 

A week later, Oín checks her over once more. The doctor tells her what she already knows: she’s too weak to survive labour. If this was a normal dwarven pregnancy, she would still have 7 months to put on some weight and gain strength, but considering the father’s race, Oín thinks she just has 4 or 5 more.

It might be enough time, but there’s no certainty.

There’s also the child to consider. By this point her belly should have curved, even if just a little. Oín assures her the baby’s heartbeat is strong and steady, but it’s difficult to estimate if he’s growing correctly. A small babe has even less chances of making it past the first decade.

Thorin doesn’t know what to do. She has failed her child and she doesn’t know how to fix it and even if Oín and Balin assure her it’s not her fault, she knows they’re just being kind. This is, obviously, all her fault.

She wonders if this is divine retribution for her crimes.

It’s too cruel, really. Her child isn’t at fault; it’s not his fault that his mother was so weak that she succumbed to gold sickness and then proceeded to act recklessly, going after an opponent she had no chance of defeating.

“Have you talked to Bilbo?” Balin asks, once Oín is gone.

“No,” she replies evenly. “I’m not going to tell him.”

“Thorin-”

“I’ve already told you why-”

“A half-overheard conversation is not a good reason not to talk to him!” Balin exclaims, obviously frustrated. “Thorin, if you just talked to him-”

“There’s nothing to talk about-”

“Thorin, you’re my Queen and the Valar know I would follow you to the end of the world, but when you’re being this stubborn-!”

“He doesn’t want to stay. He can’t stand being close to me, I can’t-” she realizes she’s crying again and growls in frustration. Stupid hormones are driving her insane. “I won’t tell him.”

“And what do you think will happen when everybody else finds out, huh? You might convince the rest of the Company to keep their mouths shut out of loyalty, but if you think for a second that the Princes won’t tell him-”

“He’ll be back in the Shire by then. I know I’m just buying time, but that’s all I need.”

“You think he won’t come back once he finds out he has sired a babe?”

Thorin shrugs. “It’s unlikely.”

Balin sighs, put off. “You obviously underestimate Bilbo Baggins.”

The Queen doesn’t comment, thinking about Balin’s statement very seriously. “That always seems to be the issue.”

Her advisor sighs once more. “Please Thorin, don’t do this. You’re being too hard on yourself. I’m sure-”

“I’m going to take a walk. I need to think.”

Balin glares darkly. “Stop avoiding the issue. You can’t keep running.”

Thorin smiles self-deprecatingly, already standing at the room’s threshold. “Watch me.”

* * *

 

She’s standing at the rampants, breathing in some fresh air and thinking of the last time she stood there. Most of the memories of what she did during the gold sickness are blurry, but this she remembers perfectly. She recalls holding Bilbo at the edge, her hands around his tiny neck. She knows she could have killed him and she wouldn’t have regretted it, at least not until she overcome the sickness and she’s not sure if that would have happened if she had indeed murdered her beloved.

She really doesn’t deserve forgiveness.

She closes her eyes, holding back tears once more. She longs for a smoke, if only to help her ease her nerves, but knows it’d be terribly unhealthy. She’s going to have to deal with this on her own, with nothing to ease her pain, seeing she can’t drink either.

She hears someone coming, but doesn’t move. She recognizes the heavy steps and she can’t help to smile a little as Dwalin comes to stand next to her. “Balin sent you?”

Her friend huffs and she lets out a small chuckle. “He says you’re being stubborn.”

Thorin scowls lightly “He’s being… he doesn’t understand.”

Dwaling doesn’t comment, just stands there, waiting for her. It’s nice knowing that despite all her mistakes, there are still people she can count on. Dwalin would never desert her.

“I- There’s something-” she takes a deep breath, trying to gather her thoughts. Her friend doesn’t say anything, staring instead at the vast plains in front of them. “If I tell you a secret, do you promise not to tell?” she asks and she knows she sounds young and childish, but she doesn’t particularly care.

Dwalin sighs dramatically. “What have you done this time?”

“Why do you assume I’ve done anything?” she argues, good natured, allowing for a few moments for her troubles to slip off her mind.

The warrior arches an eyebrow. “That’s what you used to say whenever you had done something that would land us in a lot of trouble.” Dwalin smiles kindly. “You were a little troublemaker, as I recall.”

“As Fili and Kili?”

Dwalin laughs. “Those two have nothing on you.”

They chuckle, the tension she’s been carrying on her shoulders for the last few days evaporating. It’s temporary, of course, but for a few seconds she allows herself to relax and pretend everything is fine.

“What’s wrong, then?” Dwalin asks after what feels like a lifetime. Thorin sighs, steeling herself for her confession.

“I’m pregnant.”

Dwalin makes a half incredulous sound, but recovers quickly. She stares at him silently, waiting for him to process her statement. “Bilbo’s, I assume?” She rolls her eyes. Who else’s, really? “Right. Sorry. I should have known.”

They stand in silence, lost in thought. “What are you going to do?” She eyes him confusedly and Dwalin sighs. “Are you going to tell him?”

She shakes her head. “He doesn’t want to stay. I overheard him talking to my sister’s sons.”

Dwalin hums in understanding. “Well, I’m sure you’ll be a good mother. Everyone else is probably going to try to convince you otherwise, but-”

“Wait, you’re actually-? You think that would be alright?”

Dwalin shrugs. “I think it’s really up to you. If you don’t want to tell him for whatever reason, I won’t argue with you.”

Thorin studies her friend for a long while. “What do you think I should do?”

“It’s not my place to question the Queen of Erebor.”

Thorin sighs. “I’m not asking as your Queen, Dwalin. I ask as your friend.”

The big warrior studies her for a few minutes, thinking long and hard about his answer. “I think you still love him. I think you want to earn his forgiveness. I think you’ve been given the perfect opportunity for it, so-”

“I can’t- I can’t use my child as a-”

“I’m not saying that. I’m saying that now it’s not just about yourself; you’ve got a child to think of.”

A long silence. “That’s not very helpful, you know.”

Dwalin chuckles, slapping her back good naturedly. “In the end, Thorin, it’s your choice. I think it’s every mother’s right to refuse the father of her children, but I don’t think that’s what you want. You do want him to be a father to your child.”

“But I don’t want him to be unhappy," she confesses defeteadly.

Dwalin doesn’t add anything else after that.

* * *

 

Fili stands silently next to the bed while Thorin carries on checking some papers. She can tell there’s something the boy wants to tell her, but he feels uncomfortable with the topic. She’s in no mood for a heart-to-heart conversation and considering Fili’s personality, she’s fairly certain that’s exactly what’s about to happen, so she waits for him to start, hoping against hope that he won’t.

Finally the younger dwarf clears his throat and Thorin sighs, letting the papers fall into her lap and turning towards her nephew. “Yes?”

“I- I overheard something. I know I shouldn’t talk about the gossip I happen to hear, but-”

“What’s the matter Fili?” she questions calmly, wanting to get over with this conversation.

“You’re pregnant.” It’s not a question but an statement. Thorin wonders just who the boy overheard and wonders who else from the Company knows, but decides not to worry about that just yet. She nods slowly, but doesn’t add anything else. “Are you- are you going to tell Bilbo?”

This time Thorin shakes her head. Fili looks ready to argue, but a stern glare from his aunt silences him right away. The boy bites his lip nervously, looking away.

Thorin turns her attention back to the papers, considering the conversation over. She needs to find out who else knows about her state, but that can wait. Right now she really doesn’t want to think about it.

“I don’t remember much about my father,” Fili tells her after a few seconds of silence and Thorin sighs, but the Prince carries on. “And Kili- well, he didn’t even know him. And I know you and Mom did everything you could to ensure us a happy childhood, regardless of everything and you did amazingly well, we never lacked anything, but-” he takes a deep breath and carries on. “Our little cousin will also have a loving mother and a caring aunt and he’ll also have my brother and I, but- he doesn’t- he doesn’t need to grow up fatherless.”

Thorin closes her eyes, knowing he has a fair point. Still- “Bilbo doesn’t want to stay in Erebor.”

“He would. He would if you told him-”

“I know he would. But I can’t ask that of him.”

Tense silence descends over them. “Will you keep the secret?” Thorin asks and she knows she ought to have make it an order rather than a question, but after everything, she also knows she has no right to demand anything from her Heir.

Fili sighs. “I really wish you’d tell him yourself.” He pauses, apparently thinking hard about his answer. “I will. I won’t tell Kili either, because we both know there’s no way he’ll agree to keep the secret. But Aunt, please- reconsider.”

Thorin nods just once, turning her attention back to the documents in her hands. Fili sighs once more and so they carry on with their usual routine, neither mentioning the uncomfortable topic again.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, thoughts anyone?  
> Originally, the scene with Fili was happening in the next chapter, but I figured it flowed better this way. I’m not sure if I kept everyone in character? I can’t write accents so… sorry about that.  
> We’ll be seeing more of Bilbo in the next chapter (at least that’s the plan! although, if you’ve read my other stories you’ll know how bad I’m at planning)  
> Let me know what you thought. Thanks for reading!


	3. Revelations

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin's internal struggle continues... but some secrets are not meant to be kept.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I watched BOTFA last night (instead of sleeping like a regular person) and it just gave me so many feelings… I think that I’m going to incorporate the rampants scene at some point in a sort of flashback, but I’m not sure how so…  
> If I can’t, I guess I’ll just have to write an entirely new fic ;)  
> Anyway, this one is a little on the short side, because… well, the other scene I had sketched I have the feeling would work better in the next chapter.  
> So, enjoy?

Thorin stares at her reflection on the mirror, running  a hand over her stomach. It’s not visible, not really, but she can feel it. Her belly has finally started to curve and she doesn’t know if she wants to laugh or cry.

She ends up doing both.

It’s a good sign, she thinks. Considering she’s on the fifth month, she ought to have a much bigger belly, but considering the circumstances, she thinks this is good enough. Maybe not ideal but a progress. She thinks.

With a smile she begins getting ready for breakfast. Her health hasn’t improved greatly, but she makes an effort to make more public appearances, even if these mostly include meals with the Company. Oín assures her that it’s important for her recovery that she has some resemblance of a routine that doesn’t include sleeping long hours, so she tries her best.

Meals are regularly pleasant affairs, even if more often than not Thorin ends up feeling drained of energy afterwards. She also dislikes the odd looks she receives from her companions whenever a wave of nausea hits her due the food she’s presented with. She wonders if anyone suspects and silently prays that if someone does, that someone will keep his mouth shut.

Today Bilbo isn’t at the Dining Hall. This isn’t unusual, the hobbit doesn’t show up often and although nobody has really been able to tell her what he’s up to, no one seems particularly concerned, which makes Thorin suspect they know exactly where he is, they’re just not telling her.

She wonders why.

By the end of breakfast, Bombur presents her with a cup of something that looks rather unpleasant, but smells quite nice. She eyes the big dwarf with an slightly distrustful look, but Bombur just smiles pleasantly. With a shrug, the Queen takes a small sip.

The beverage is warm and tastes fruity. It settles heavily in her stomach, although not in an unpleasant way. She smiles at the cook and takes a longer sip, leaning back on her chair to listen to the conversations going on around her.

Whatever she’s drinking does wonders for her stomach; for the first time in days she doesn’t feel like throwing up. She’s able to sit with her friends and family and converse lightly, without suddenly feeling sick.

When she finishes her beverage, Bombur brings a new cup which she takes thankfully. By the end of the meal she has finished 3 cups and she’s feeling much better.

“What’s this Bombur?” she finally questions, once most of the former members of the Company have already retired to perform their daily duties.

Bombur shrugs non committedly.”I’m not entirely sure, to be honest. Bilbo made it.”

All the contentedness the drink has brought her disappears right away. She eyes the cook confusedly and the bigger dwarf sighs. “He said it would help settle your stomach. Since you’re still sick…”

How does Bilbo know about that is an interesting question. Why does he care is an even more interesting one. He can’t stand being close to her, but he worries about her health? It makes very little sense.

“You ought to talk to him,” Fili tells her, when Thorin fails to say anything. Kili nods eagerly at his brother’s words and Thorin frowns lightly.

She considers asking them about the overheard conversation. However, she decides against it, not knowing if she really wants to know the truth. Her sister’s sons seem convinced that she and Bilbo can work things out, but they’re young and full of hope. It’s quite possible they’re blind to the reality of the situation.

She toys with the now empty cup in her hands. She knows she needs to talk to Bilbo sooner or later, but she’s all too willing to keep postponing that conversation. For the most part, she doesn’t want to tell him anything at all and yet, there are times when she wonders-

She only has 2 weeks left. She needs to make a decision and she needs to make it now.

Words, however, have never been her forte.

* * *

 

For the next few days, Thorin thinks long and hard about what she wants to do. The general consensus dictates she ought to talk to Bilbo, but she’s wary. She knows the most likely outcome of such conversation, but she knows she won’t be able to stand Bilbo’s anger or even worse, his regret. She knows that by this point the hobbit probably wishes he hadn’t come on this wretched Quest, but she hopes that at least he doesn’t regret having met her.

She’s almost certain he’ll stay if she tells him. He might be angry, or frustrated or regretful, but he’ll stay. And she’s not sure where that’d leave her standing. Trying to repair their relationship based on the fact they’re going to have a baby doesn’t feel right, no matter how much she tries to reason with herself that it would be the best for the child. No matter what everyone else says, it feels like emotional blackmail.

In the end however, the decision is taken away from her.

It all begins with a visit from their new “allies”. Bard looks uncomfortable standing in the Throne’s Room next to Thranduil, but the Elvenking looks unperturbed. Thorin sits at the throne (probably feeling as uncomfortable as the bowman considering she really doesn’t think she ought to be Queen after everything that happened) with Fili and Kili standing at her right and Balin at her left.

The Elvenking is followed by a small escort of soldiers and his youngest son, prince Legolas. Bard on the other hand is just followed by his son Bain and curiously, by Bilbo.

There’s a story there that Thorin is itching to hear, but she’s not about to ask for it in the middle of what is supposed to be an official meeting.

Bard begins thanking the Queen for her generosity, having given the people of Laketown a place to stay during the winter. Thorin knows that was all Fili’s work but she doesn’t comment on it, instead sending a proud smile in her Heir’s direction, who preens a little under the attention. Bard then proceeds to explain his plans for the rebuilding of Dale and the monetary help he’s hoping he’ll get from the Dwarves, along with some trade agreements he hopes will be agreeable to the Kingdom Under the Mountain.

Thorin already knew of some of these plans, since a good part of the negotiations had already taken place while she was still hanging between life and death. She agrees with all of Bard’s conditions and if the new King is a little surprised by her easy acceptance, he doesn’t show it. Thranduil, on the other hand, keeps an sceptic look during the whole “negotiation”.

Once Bard is satisfied, Thorin turns her attention to the Elvenking. Things quickly go downhill from there, with her and Thranduil trading veiled insults and having petty discussions. She can see the princes despairing looks and while Bard looks mostly amused by their exchange, Bilbo looks pained. That’s what, in the end, convinces her to stop arguing nonsense with the other monarch and instead tries to conduct an actual negotiation.

Thranduil seems surprised by her changing moods, but he also stops with the childish behavior and so finally, the meeting comes to an end.

“If you should have any other concerns regarding our agreements, feel free to consult them with the Crown Prince,” the Queen says, indicating Fili. “He has full authority to reach any further agreements that may be needed.”

“We’ll be in contact,” Bard agrees, with a nod of his head. “The Prince has been very helpful so far.”

Fili stands a bit taller, a smug smile on his face and Thorin can’t help to smile fondly at him. Then her attention falls back to the Elvenking and her blood runs cold at the smirk on Thranduil’s lips, knowing that can’t be a good sign. “Of course. The Prince has proven himself quite… reasonable.” Thorin narrows her eyes, waiting for the veiled insult, but the elf turns his attention to Bilbo, who’s standing behind Bard, looking uncomfortable. “And if not, I’m sure we can count on the Lord Consort to make you see reason.”

Bilbo looks up, a blush covering his cheeks and he opens his mouth to protest and Thorin glares, because of course that had been her hope when they first arrived at the Mountain, but now she knows Bilbo will never be her Consort.

“On that note, may I offer my congratulations to the happy couple?”

Thorin’s heart beats so loud that the Queen is sure everyone in the room can hear it. She glares darkly, not really knowing how to dismiss the elf’s words. “There’s no need for that.” She mutters, her tone saying this conversation is over, but the Elvenking just smirks at her calmly.

“Oh, but I think there is. After all, children are a gift of the Valar and meant to be treasured, don’t you agree?”

The whole room goes eerily quiet. Thorin forces herself not to look at Bilbo, not wanting to see his reaction at the news and instead stands up, hurrying out of the room, not bothering with a response, holding her head high even if she feels like she’s falling apart.

She hears Fili dismissing the meeting and hurrying to catch up with her, but Thorin just picks up her pace and soon the boy realizes she wants to be alone and lets her be.

She storms into her bedroom and closes the door with a slam, tears already streaming down her cheeks. This is really the worse way for Bilbo to find out, she thinks, but it’s too late to change things. There’s nothing else for her to do but wait for the hobbit’s appearance and then she’ll try to explain.

She sits on the bed, fighting of a wave of nausea and waits.

Bilbo doesn’t show up.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, thoughts?  
> In the end, I liked this option better. I think it works well because Bilbo does find out before he leaves, but Thorin isn’t the one who tells him, which leaves the door open for so much angst (I’m evil like that)!  
> I wasn’t sure about Thranduil being the one to out Thorin’s secret, but well… I figured it worked the best. Please don’t hate me?  
> This might turn out more angsty than I originally planned, so updates might not come up as quick. I just don’t have any fluffy things to keep me distracted and there’s just so much angst I can write ;)


	4. Aftermath

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The aftermath of the revelations

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here’s an update finally! It took me a while because although I have most of this figured out, it’s not flowing as well as I expected… I have too many angsty pieces in progress, I think.  
> Anyway, enjoy?

The next morning, when Thorin wakes, Bilbo is there. The hobbit is sitting at the small table in the corner of the room, his gaze fixed on nothing in particular. The Queen runs a hand through her messy hair, suddenly self conscious, although she realizes it’s rather ridiculous considering he has seen her in various states of disarray during the Quest.

Bilbo watches her as she stands up and comes to sit on the opposite side of him, neither saying a word. For a few minutes the only sound in the room is their breathing and Thorin tries to steel herself for the argument that is bound to happen any minute now.

Bilbo looks tired; there are dark circles under his eyes and they’re red rimmed. Thorin gulps audibly, feeling terribly guilty for the hobbit’s distress. “You weren’t going to tell me.” He says after what feels like an eternity. There’s no anger or disappointment in his tone and that’s what hurts the most; how completely blank of emotion his words are.

“I was thinking about it.”

“You were-?” he starts angrily, but interrupts himself brusquely. He watches her for a beat and finally continues. “What was there to think?” he asks, slightly more calmed. “Either you wanted to tell me or not.”

Thorin sighs. “I- I didn’t know what to say. I just- I didn’t want you here if-”

“Oh, you’ve made that quite clear,” Bilbo interrupts her, his voice a quiet and dark murmur. “But don’t you worry about it; I’ve already talked to Bard so once the reconstruction begins I’ll go to live with the Men and-”

“What?”

“You don’t want me in your Mountain and I can respect that Thorin, but you can’t deny me the right to see my child!” he’s angry, but there’s a note of hurt in his tone. Thorin stares at him in confusion, not sure what to answer to his outburst.

“You can stay in the Mountain,” she replies after a while. “I don’t- I wasn’t planning-” she takes a deep breath, before continuing. “If you want to- if you want to be part of our child’s life, I won’t stand in your way.”

Our. She said our. It’s true, of course, but she doesn’t think she should use such pronoun. It doesn’t feel quite right; while biologically the child is theirs, for they conceived him together, the emotional component that ours seems to imply doesn’t exist anymore.

Bilbo watches her closely and she forces herself not to start squirming under the close scrutiny. Finally he sighs and looks away.

“Alright. Alright.” He sounds sad and defeated and Thorin wishes she knew how to make it all better, but she doesn’t, so she stays quiet. “Are you- Do you-” he groans, frustrated. “I don’t know how you dwarves go about this, but- Well, I suppose it’s different from how we do it-”

“What are you talking about?” she demands, feeling a little frustrated herself.

Bilbo takes a deep breath and looks at her. “I suppose marriage is out of the question.”

It feels like someone has just stabbed her all over again. She opens her mouth to answer, although she doesn’t know what. Bilbo just stares at her, outwardly calm, even if she can see a storm brewing in his eyes. “That wouldn’t be necessary.”

Bilbo nods. “I assumed as much. In the Shire… well, no respectable hobbit would get a lass pregnant and not marry her. But since you weren’t going to tell me-”

“I was-” he arches an eyebrow and she shuts her mouth. She can’t honestly she was going to tell him, because she doesn’t know if she would have. In a way, Thranduil’s interference might be a blessing after all. “You’ve got no obligation towards me. And any obligation you feel towards the baby-” she closes her eyes briefly. “You don’t have to stay, if you don’t want to.”

He’s looking at her as if she’s an extremely complicated puzzle that he has no clue how to solve. “I’m staying Thorin. I can’t- I won’t turn my back on our baby.”

Our. Something warms Thorin from inside after such words, but she forces herself to remain unmoved on the outside. “It’s settled then. If- if you’d prefer to live in Dale I won’t oppose, but if you wish to stay in Erebor…” she gestures vaguely, unsure of how to finish that sentence. Bilbo nods once.

“I think that till the baby is born, I’d rather stay here. Afterwards- well, we’ll see.”

Thorin nods and Bilbo stands up. “I’ll bring you breakfast.” He says and then turns around, hurrying out of the room, leaving a very conflicted Queen behind.

Thorin places a hand on her belly and sighs.

It didn’t go as bad as she thought.

* * *

 

Breakfast is a quiet and tense affair. The Queen tries not to stare too much at Bilbo, but she finds almost impossible to keep her eyes off the hobbit. It’s probably normal, considering she hasn’t really seen him, but it’s a little embarrassing to be caught staring so intently.

Especially now that her attentions are unwanted.

She mostly toys with her food, since she doesn’t feel particularly hungry. She’s not sure if that’s just her regular lack of appetite or if her conversation with Bilbo is weighing her down, but she still forces herself to take a couple of bites, if only for her baby’s sake.

There’s a jug of the fruity beverage from the other day, so Thorin pours herself a cup. It’s as tasty as she remembers, so she indulges in it and ends up drinking the whole jug. She can see Bilbo smiling softly once she’s done, so she decides to ask, “What’s this, exactly?”

For the most part of their meal, Bilbo has avoided any direct eye contact. Now however, he holds her gaze, a small smile tugging his lips upwards. “Actually, it’s something midwives are fond of giving expectant mothers in the Shire.”

It doesn’t make sense. Bilbo couldn’t have- And if he did, why-? “I didn’t know,” he interrupts her thoughts, before Thorin can reach a conclusion. “It’s just- well, you’ve lost a lot of weight and it’s supposed to help you gain some back, so…”

Thorin nods thoughtfully. “Thank you. It’s very- I really like it.”

Bilbo smile turns a bit wistful, like he’s thinking of something particularly sad, but he doesn’t say anything else and Thorin doesn’t pry. She knows better than that.

“Why were you with Bard yesterday?” she questions after a while, when the silence starts threatening to drown her.

Bilbo shrugs non-committedly. “I’ve been helping him figure out his new Kingdom’s finances. I dare to say he’s a little… overwhelmed with his new status.”

Thorin huffs. “It’s not like they have much, though.” It’s a little uncharitable thought, especially because she knows how precarious finances of dragon and war ravaged kingdom's are, but she can’t help it.

Bilbo tilts his head curiously. “Don’t you know?”

“What?”

“That a fourteenth part of the treasure of Erebor is theirs. That- Fili said-”

Fili hadn’t mentioned such a thing, but Thorin can see why. He’s probably still a bit wary of discussing matters involving the treasure with her. The thought stings a little, but then again, she knows she deserves the mistrust.

“Thorin?“

“It’s fine. I- I just didn’t know.” She takes a deep breath and forces a smile onto her lips. “So you’re helping them manage?”

“Well, I know a thing or two about finances. I was a fairly well-off hobbit, you know?”

Thorin smirks a little. “I do. You might have mentioned it before.”

Bilbo rolls his eyes. “Of course it’s nothing like being the heir of the richest Kingdom in Arda, but-”

“I’m sure you’ve been very helpful.” She smiles tentatively at him and Bilbo returns the smile, making her heart clench almost painfully in her chest. “Meanwhile, I’ve been doing nothing but lying in bed all day.”

Bilbo sighs. “I suppose this whole recovery thing doesn’t really suit you. But you shouldn’t-”

“I know, I know. I’m perfectly aware that I shouldn’t overstress myself.”

They carry on with pointless conversation for a while and by the time all the food is gone, Thorin feels lighter. It’s true that things between her and Bilbo are far from ideal, but maybe there’s hope after all.

She doesn’t think she can win Bilbo’s love back, but his friendship? His forgiveness?

Maybe that’s not as far fetched as she believed.

* * *

 

All things considered, Thorin thinks Bilbo took the news rather well. Kili, on the other hand…

Well, she just doesn’t know what to think anymore.

She can tell Fili is worried about his younger brother's dark mood, but she doesn’t think there’s anything they can do. She can understand the boy is mad, both on Bilbo’s behalf (odd, just how close the hobbit became to her heirs, but she'd rather not dwell on that much) and also because they didn’t tell him.

If Fili hadn’t known, Kili probably wouldn’t be as mad. But since the older Prince did know, the younger one feels… betrayed? Yes, she thinks that’s the sentiment.

But all the sulking is starting to get ridiculous.

“Kili, we just-”

“Don’t wanna talk about it,” the dark haired Prince argues, crossing his arms and glaring at nothing in particular. Thorin ignores both boys for the most part, since she really doesn’t know why they choose to spend so much time in her Chambers if Kili is supposedly angry at her.

Anyway, don’t they know she has work to do?

“I asked your brother to keep the secret” Thorin says, before Fili can say something that would undoubtedly end up in a fight. “And I didn’t tell him, he overheard- who?”

“Balin and Dwalin,” the older boy confesses. “I didn’t believe it at first, but well-”

“And you didn’t tell me?” Kili demands angrily, scowling.

“Well, I- You know there are certain things that should stay secrets. Until the right time, that is.”

Kili opens his mouth to protest and Fili sends a glare in his direction, which has him shutting up right away. Thorin frowns, knowing there’s something she’s missing in this silent conversation.

But before she can ask the door opens and Bilbo steps in. She perks up immediately and she supposes it’s a little pathetic, but she can’t help herself. Her nephews, for their part, smile brightly at her and she rolls her eyes.

“Should I come back later?” the hobbit asks, since they are all staring at him now, Fili and Kili with bright and hopeful smiles while Thorin looks at him in longing.

She wonders if he can see how desperately she still loves him. She knows he won’t say anything if he does; ever the perfect gentleman, he won’t drag attention to her obvious pining. She’s both thankful and frustrated by that.

“No, no, we were just leaving.” The Princes say in perfect synchrony and Thorin can’t help the small smile she sends in their direction. Angry as they might be at each other, it’s remarkable how attuned they are with each other.

The boys hurry to exit, leaving a very confused hobbit behind.

“Is everything alright?” he asks, staring at the now closed door.

Thorin shrugs. “You know how… overly enthusiastic they can be.”

Bilbo chuckles softly. “How are you feeling?”

She shrugs. Ever since he found out about the pregnancy, Bilbo drops by at least twice during the day to make sure she’s okay; he also shows up for breakfast and occasionally for lunch.

Thorin doesn’t allow herself any delusion though, she knows he’s worried about his child and not exactly about her.

“I might be gone for the next few days.” She sits up straighter at his words and Bilbo frowns a little. “The reconstruction is about to begin and I promised Bard-”

“I see.” The Queen interrupts him calmly. “Well, you know you’re free to come and go as you please.”

Bilbo rolls his eyes. “I wasn’t asking for your permission Thorin. I just-” he bites his lip, forcefully shutting himself up. “Nevermind. I just- I’ll see you in a while.”

He turns around and leaves the room, slamming the door. The Queen frowns as she wonders what she said. She obviously upset the hobbit, but why?

She scowls darkly at herself.

If only she knew what to say, how to act, how to make things better…

But sadly she’s ill equipped for that.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had already written another scene after this one, but I figured I’d save it for later. I really enjoy writing angst a little too much. Probably more than what’s sane. But then again, I always give my stories happy endings so… well, it’s not that bad I suppose.  
> Is this making sense? I keep fighting this urge to write a chapter from Bilbo’s POV because I feel that would give out too much, but well… I find it a little odd to write a whole story from just a character’s POV.  
> Anyway, thoughts anyone? Remember you can also find me in [tumblr](http://ylc1.tumblr.com/)


	5. Midwife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Pregnancies are always tricky...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So… I’m fairly certain this was longer. But I got interrupted in the middle of my writing by my boss and well… I can’t remember what else was meant to be happening here so…  
> Anyway, enjoy?

Bilbo comes back two days later, followed by the oldest Princess of Men.

Surprised as she might be by this, Thorin makes a point of not storming out of her chambers after hearing the news and go looking for Bilbo, demanding answers. Instead she chooses to wait for Bilbo to come to her and explain.

It turns out she doesn’t have to wait long.

She has just gotten back to reviewing some documents, Fili looking nervously at her, when she hears arguing. She arches an eyebrow questioningly and Fili shrugs, before hurrying out to check. Thorin waits for a beat and then the door opens again, revealing a slightly exasperated Oín, followed by an also frustrated Bilbo and a mostly amused young Princess.

Sigrid courtesies politely, a soft smile tugging her lips upwards. Thorin nods her head in acknowledgment, not feeling like getting up to do the proper greetings and knowing the young girl won’t care if she does.

“So… what’s going on?” she questions, when nobody seems keen to explain anything. She can see Fili standing by the door, looking as confused as herself and so she turns her attention to Bilbo, expectantly.

“Master Baggins seems to question my medical judgement-” Oín starts, sending a dark glare in the hobbit’s direction.

“That’s not- I didn’t-” the hobbit splutters indignantly, earning an eye roll from the Men’s Princess.

“Master Baggins asked me to check you over,” Sigrid explains calmly. “While he doesn’t question Master Oín’s knowledge, he felt that you might benefit from the visit of a midwife.”

“Midwife.” Thorin repeats, a little surprised. The truth is that among dwarves seeing a midwife is not a widespread habit. Technically, there are not even midwives among them, pregnancies are usually overseen by doctors. Mothers and sisters help one another during birth, with the occasional doctor overseeing the procedures, but for the most part-

Well, it’s just not done.

“An odd occupation for a Princess,” Thorin ads and Sigrid shrugs.

“I was just an apprentice, really, but since our midwife died during Smaug’s attack…” she bites her lip gently. “Well, now I’m in charge of births and medicine for the mothers-to-be.” She crosses her arms over her chest and holds her head high, defiantly. “I’m more than a simple Princess.”

Thorin stares at her for a couple of seconds, confused by her words and reaction. Then she remembers that Men are not like Dwarves and that a Princess for them is not more that a pretty accessory to be shown around and marry off to a good prospect.

Well then, when you see it like that…

She turns her attention back to Bilbo, who’s carefully avoiding her stare. She sighs and looks at Sigrid once again. “I don’t mean to offend you, your Highness, but I already have a doctor. I don’t-”

“None taken, your Majesty, but you must see- Childbearing is women’s business and you’ll benefit greatly from fellow women experiences.”

Thorin arches an eyebrow. Men are really odd folk, with such strong distinctions between male and females. She looks at Bilbo again, looking for something (she doesn’t know what) but the hobbit keeps stubbornly looking away.

Finally, the Queen sighs. “It couldn’t hurt, I suppose.”

Oín sighs too, but nods and exits the room right away. Sigrid sends a pointed look in Bilbo’s direction and the hobbit hurries to leave too. The girl turns to Fili then, eyebrows arched and the Prince sends a desperate look in his Aunt’s direction, that has Thorin chuckling as she gestures for him to leave.

“A little overprotective, aren’t they?” the Princess asks, a good humored smile on her lips and Thorin shrugs, smiling too.

“They worry. It’s not really our custom to have midwives, you know?”

Sigrid hums, but doesn’t comment. Instead she gestures for Thorin to lie back on the bed and the Queen obeys, even if a little hesitantly.

The blond haired female lifts her tunic, leaving her belly uncovered. Thorin tenses a little, feeling slightly vulnerable and Sigrid sends a reassuring smile in her direction, before pressing her fingers just beneath her navel. “If you experience any pain, let me know.”

The younger female fingers dug into her still not very swollen belly. It’s a steady pressure, not exactly painful, but close. The girl hums as her fingers travel across the Queen’s stomach, a slight frown on her face.

“Ah,” the soft exclamation leaves Sigrid’s lips as she smiles proudly. “Here’s the head,” she lets Thorin know, pressing just over her small clothes. “I can’t feel the spinal cord, but that might be the position. Everything feels normal-”

Thorin isn’t really listening, though. She lets her own hand rest next to the place Sigrid is digging into her stomach and the younger female smiles softly at her, before guiding her fingers to where presumably the head can be felt. Something does feel firmer where Sigrid presses, but Thorin would have never guessed that was the baby’s head.

“See why you needed a midwife?” the Princess asks, a slight smirk on her lips. “I’ll need to look for the rest of my equipment, but with a little luck we’ll be able to find something to help you hear the baby’s heartbeat.”

Thorin remembers the cone that Oín had pressed against her abdomen when he had first informed her she was pregnant. A broken smile makes its way into her face, as she imagines what it would be like to hear her child’s heartbeat with her own ears.

“Don’t get teary eyed on me,” Sigrid says playfully. “First time mothers are always too emotional.”

Thorin laughs brokenly, rolling her eyes. “Thank you.”

The girl shakes her head lightly. “I- I need to ask you some questions and there are some far more unpleasant revisions I’ll like to make, but I figured it would be better if we started- I mean, feeling the baby always- It’s exciting, isn’t it?”

Thorin nods eagerly, feeling a little too giddy. She couldn’t explain it, not really, but she supposes she can always blame her hormones for how emotional she’s feeling.

“Well then, down to business, shall we?”

Thorin just nods again.

* * *

 

“So, how old are you?” Sigrid asks, taking a seat next to the bed. She sits with her spine straight and her head held high, trying to appear older and more mature than she is. Thorin finds it a little odd, but doesn’t comment.

“I’m 195,” She replies and Sigrid’s eyebrows shot up. The girl bites her lip and frowns a little.

“Is it- is it normal for darrowdames to carry children at your age?”

Thorin shrugs. “It’s not very common, no. Both my sister and my mother had their first child when they were a little over their first century and so do most of our females. This late in life- it’s rather unheard of.”

The princess nods, but she looks troubled. “Okay. How long do dwarves normally carry?”

“Twelve months, give or take,” Thorin replies, with another shrug. “Early births are not uncommon, though.”

Sigrid sighs. “This is going to be quite complicated, isn’t it?” Thorin smiles gently at her and the girl runs her fingers through her hair, messing it up. “There are several complications that can arise with older mothers, especially in the case of first time pregnancies. Mostly complications for the baby’s development, not so many for the birth although we’ll have to watch your blood pressure… I’m fairly certain we’ll have an early birth, although it’s hard to tell how early it’ll be. Master Baggins tells me hobbit’s only carry six months so-”

Thorin gulps audibly. Of course Oín had already told her the baby would arrive earlier than she could expect, but 6 months… there’s no way the baby is ready just yet, is it?

“You haven’t feel it move, have you?” Sigrid asks and the Queen shakes her head. The princess bites her lip once more and Thorin is growing more and more nervous with every question she answers. “Nothing we should worry much, I think. Not yet, anyway. Some babies don’t move much and it’s a little tricky to know when the baby is moving for first time mothers,” she smiles kindly. “Don’t worry yourself too much, your Majesty.”

Thorin nods nervously and the younger female pats her hand comfortingly. “I know it’s a little nerve wracking. You’ll be fine, though. I promise.”

A rather empty promise, the dwarrowdam thinks, but doesn’t say. She appreciates the sentiment, anyway. “I- Do you think we should be concerned by how small my bump is?”

Sigrid shakes her head. “I don’t think so. It’s not unusual for first time moms to not develop a visible bump until the last trimester. For Women, that is. I imagine dwarves can’t be that different.” She sighs, “I wish I could ease your worries regarding your child’s health, but I’m afraid there’s very little we can gather at this stage. Even later, there’s little we can do for him. All we can do now is try to keep you as healthy as possible and hope for the best.”

The Queen nods, perhaps a little too eagerly and the princess smiles gently once more. “The beginning of the pregnancy is crucial for the baby’s development, but it was far from ideal in your case. However, I’m quite confident it’ll turn out okay, considering you didn’t miscarriage, which is most often the body’s response for too weak embrions.”

Thorin feels a little bit nauseated at the news, but tries not to show it. Still, Sigrid seems to catch on her worries and hugs her lightly, with some hesitancy.

It’s odd, to be hugged by someone who isn’t kin, but the Queen welcomes the comfort it brings, even if only for a little while. She’s just too worried about her baby.

“I’ll check on you every other week, alright? And if you need anything… well, Dale is close enough. Just try not to exhaust yourself too much and to eat and sleep well and everything will be alright.”

Once again, Thorin nods. There’s no much else she can do, after all.

* * *

 

Thorin spends the rest of the day walking around the mountain, trying to avoid basically everyone. By the time she goes back to her rooms, it’s late at night and her legs are heavy with exhaustion.

Too much for not overworking herself.

She can’t help it, though. She finds difficult to think while staying in just one place and in these last few months she has come to hate the four walls of her bedroom. She knows why it’s important for her to take it easy, but she finds it frustrating.

She caresses her belly as she collapses on the bed. Pregnancies are never easy for their race and now it seems she has found the way to make it even more complicated and risky.

She wouldn’t mind half as much if only her life was on the line. If she could know, with full certainty, that her baby would survive even if she didn’t, she thinks she would be less anxious. But she knows that’s not the case; if anything, it’s far more likely that she’ll make it through rather than her child.

She doubts she could live with that. Right now her child is the only thing keeping her straight; after all, they have their Mountain back, Fili has proven himself more than capable of ruling in her absence and the one she loves doesn’t want her anymore, so really, what’s the point?

It’s bigger than that, though. The thing is that she doesn’t want to carry on, she’s purposeless. If her baby happens not to make it through the birth or if she loses him later, she-she-

“Breath Thorin, breath.” Bilbo urges, forcing her to sit up and rubbing soothing circles in her back. “You need to breath.”

The words come through a fog and she realizes she’s losing consciousness. It seems she worked herself into something like a panic attack and so she tries to keep her focus on the hobbit, who’s still talking to her although she can’t make out the words he’s saying.

A few minutes pass and finally she relaxes a little. Bilbo has turned white as a sheet and he looks her over with apprehension, obviously torn between staying and watching over her and going looking for Oín.

“I’m fine,” she whispers, forcing herself to take deep breaths. “I’m fine now.”

Bilbo looks unconvinced, but nods. He continues rubbing circles across her back and eventually the tightness in her chest recedes a little. “Sorry about that,” she says, not looking at him and Bilbo sighs.

“What happened?”

Thorin shakes her head. “Nothing I- I’m just a little distressed.”

They stay in silence for a while, both unsure of what to say. Finally, Bilbo asks, “So, how did it go with Sigrid?”

Thorin shrugs non committedly. “Well enough, I suppose. She didn’t give me a very hopeful diagnoses, but, considering…” she gestures vaguely. “Thanks for bringing her, though.”

Bilbo nods tightly. “I tried convincing Tauriel first, but she informed me she knows next to nothing about childbearing. She would be happy to help during the birth though, ensuring you don’t lose much blood and all that.” He looks a little worried at the idea, but Thorin isn’t paying much attention, looking unhappy about receiving help from an elf. “None of that, Thorin. Tauriel was quite helpful after the battle and she made sure none of you died on her watch.”

Thorin grunts; nobody had mentioned that to her. Then again, considering her dislike for elves in general and the ones from Mirkwood in particular, it makes sense.

She chooses not to comment on the topic, not really wanting to get into an argument. “I’ll be fine,” she assures him, even if she’s not even slightly convinced of that. “No need for you to worry.”

Bilbo pulls away then, coming to stand in front of her, but a few paces away. “I just- I don’t want to see you almost dying again.” He licks his lips nervously, apparently having revealed more than he wanted to.

Thorin tilts her head and observes him curiously. Too many mixed signals, she thinks. “If something happens to me-” she begins and when Bilbo looks ready to interrupt her she silences him with a look, “you’ll look after our child, won’t you?”

“Of course Thorin, but-”

“You’ll take him back to the Shire?”

Bilbo bites his lip and stares at her for a couple of seconds in silence. “No. No, I- I would stay. I’d rather- I’d rather have him grown surrounded by his kin.”

Technically, Bilbo’s people are also her child’s kin, but she doesn’t argue with his logic. She’ll like it better too, if her child got to grow up surrounded by other dwarves.

“Do you-” Bilbo starts, but stops right away, shaking his head. “Are you alright?” he finally asks, looking worriedly at her.

The Queen nods slowly, wondering why Bilbo seems to care about her well being so much.

“Do you- Can I get you anything? Have you eaten?” Thorin shakes her head and Bilbo sighs. “Right. I’ll be right back. Don’t move.” And so he exits the room.

Thorin snorts. Even if she tried, she couldn’t move. She’s so tired she very much doubts she’ll stay awake long enough to eat.

She smiles to herself and lays back down on the bed, a hand curled protectively over her belly. It’s been a tiring day and things are only going to get more complicated, but for the time being, she supposes she feels content enough.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So… thoughts anyone? I feel this isn’t really moving along nicely, but I don’t really know? Feels like nothing is really happening, I think…  
> Let me know what you thought?  
> Thanks for reading!


	6. Over for good

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Thorin gets some answers. Even if she's not sure what the questions are.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so very not sure about this chapter. I kinda like it, but I keep feeling it’s too short. There was another scene I wanted to incorporate, but I get the feeling it would work better as the start of the following chapter so…  
> Sorry for taking so long to update, I had a bit of writer’s block.  
> Enjoy?

It can’t be a very comfortable position, Thorin musses. She wonders how many nights did Bilbo spend sleeping like that, head over the bed and body slumped on the uncomfortable chair, while she was hanging between life and death.

The amount of care he shows for her doesn’t make much sense. His actions speak of a deep love, but if he does still love her, why did he take off the courting braid? Maybe he just needed some time to sort out his feelings and was planning on talking to her later? He should have waited to take it off then, but she supposes-

Then again, he was going to leave. If Thranduil hadn’t opened his big mouth (and Thorin had also chosen not to tell him anything) he would have left. If he had intended to court her again-

Maybe it’s just his sense of duty. Maybe he just feels he owes his child the chance to grow up in a somewhat happy family and for that he feels he ought to be in good terms with her.

Then again, he didn’t know about the baby right after the Battle so…

Why is everything so confusing?

Too many mixed signals and it’s driving her insane. She still loves him, of course, but what is she supposed to do? Talk to him? That would certainly clarify things, but she doesn’t know if she can handle the truth.

She doesn’t even know if she has the right questions. She’s well aware the wrong question could tip the precarious balance their relationship has achieved; she’s not eager to upset the status quo.

Still, if there’s a chance things could work out for the best…

That steels her resolve. She’ll talk to Bilbo. Maybe not today or tomorrow or in a week, but soon. She needs to know, consequences be damned.

* * *

 

“I’m thinking you should move into the Consort’s Room.”

Bilbo’s head snaps up so quickly that it’s almost comical, although Thorin finds little amusement in it. When they had entered the mountain, she had thought that Bilbo and her would be sharing a bedroom. Although the Consort’s Room is part of the Royal Suite, it had remained unoccupied ever since her grandfather Thor had been King, seeing the monarch had been one of those lucky ones who had married out of love. Since Thorin had assumed she would also be making a marriage out of love, she had thought the room would remain empty, but given the circumstances…

“What?” Bilbo asks, his eyes wide as saucers and something that feels like hope flutters in the Queen’s chest at the hobbit’s look. She forces herself to squash it quickly, before it blooms into something dangerous.

“It would be more practical. That way you’ll be close to us should something happen and you can actually have a decent place to sleep, instead of that uncomfortable chair next to my bed.”

Bilbo sighs, running a hand through his messy curls and making Thorin ache with want of being the one messing his hair. “I don’t know Thorin- wouldn’t- wouldn’t that send the wrong message?”

That hope blossoming just seconds before? Definitely squashed. “You need to stop thinking as a hobbit, Bilbo. There’s nothing scandalous in what we’re doing. On what we did.” She shrugs. “These things happen. Not often, I admit, but they do happen. That we’re having a child together hardly means something to dwarves, not without any other sort of promise in between.”

“And me moving into the Royal Suite wouldn’t-?”

“As I said, it’s a matter of practicality.”

The hobbit hums thoughtfully. “Well, I’d admit it’d be nice to sleep on an actual bed again.”

Thorin smiles sadly at him and nods stiffly. “I’ll have your things moved soon enough.”

“Right,” the male nods, suddenly looking unsure. “Well I guess I’ll- I’ll be leaving now. I- I’ll see you for dinner, then.”

The Queen nods and the hobbit hurries to exit the room, leaving a more than slightly upset dwarrowdam behind.

* * *

 

A few days pass and Thorin has started to believe that maybe she could actually settle for this. With Bilbo living technically in her quarters, they see eachother everyday and they share most of their meals, all the time making polite chit chat. It’s a bit strained, but the Queen feels somewhat hopeful. There’s still one issue she wants to discuss, but she really doesn’t know how to breach the topic.

At the very least, they’re back on speaking terms and surely that counts for something?

But that changes soon enough. They’re having breakfast as usual and they’ve fallen into a slightly uncomfortable silence that Thorin is desperately trying to break when Bilbo suddenly clears his throat and that immediately puts her on edge. She just knows that whatever is coming won’t be pleasant.

“I’ve been meaning to ask you something,” Bilbo tells her, squirming a little on his seat and Thorin gestures for him to continue, steeling herself for what’s to come.

The hobbit takes something out from the pockets of his waistcoat and hands it to the dwarrowdam. Thorin’s breath catches when she sees what it is, but she quickly forces herself to school her expression.

“Should I give this back to you?”

The courtship bead glimmers under the light of the torches, mocking her. It’s a beautiful thing, made of mithril and decorated with a single piece of diamond. It’s a family heirloom, handed down to the oldest male child of the line, but Thorin kept it when Frerin died. She wasn’t meant to give it away, because females usually don’t start the courtship, but in this case…

Well, it doesn’t matter anymore. The bead is back to her and now she can do as she was supposed to do with it and hand it over to Fili, so he might one day offer it to his intended.

No harm done.

Except that now things are most definitely over, no hope left. As long as Bilbo had kept the bead it could have meant he might consider courtship again in the future, but now- now-

And what hurts the most is that she knew. She knew from the moment she saw he had taken off the braid that all hope was lost, that things would never be what they were before, but this- this-

This is final. And it hurts horribly.

“Thorin?”

“I think I need to lay down,” she whispers and her steps falter as she tries to make her way back to the bed. Bilbo is at her side in an instant, supporting her effortlessly and that just goes showing how terribly thin and weak she still is.

“Is something wrong?”

Everything is wrong. She made a horrible, horrible mistake and it has costed everything. Everything except…

She places a hand over her belly and takes a deep breath.

“I’m fine. Just a little light headed.”

“Do you want me to fetch someone? I could-”

“No, no,” she interrupts him, squeezing the courting bead. She has her answers now, even if she never figured out the right question. But maybe it’s better this way, seeing she has never been good with words. “I’m fine. I’m just- I’m going to lie down for a while.”

Bilbo looks unconvinced, but nods. “Call me if you need anything.” He closes the door after himself and Thorin forces herself to take deep breaths so she won’t break down crying.

But it’s hopeless. Soon enough sobs are escaping her lips noisily, so she just curls herself around her belly, mourning what she has lost.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, thoughts anyone? I had written the last scene since chapter 4, since it was meant to be shortly after it but well… I think it works better here.  
> Let me know what you thought!


	7. Spring

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Spring brings a few new challenges...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, here’s a new chapter! I’m satisfied with it but I kept picturing it a little more dramatic in my head…  
> Well, anyway, I hope you’ll enjoy it?

By the time spring finally comes around, Thorin is feeling slightly more resigned about her whole situation.

She supposes it could be worse. Far worse, if she has to honest with herself, considering everything that has happened: she could still be lying half dead (or actual dead), they could have been overthrown by Azog’s army. Things could certainly be gloomier.

But no matter how hard she tries to rationalize with herself that she ought to be thankful for what she has, she can’t quite manage.

She has finally gained enough strength to tour around the mountain without tiring horribly. She can finally dedicate herself to the actual efforts of rebuilding her kingdom without wearing herself out.

She’s finally showing and that she finds more precious than all the gold in the mountain.

Her belly is still relatively small, considering how far along she is, but it has become noticeable even under her heavy winter clothing and now with the warmer weather and lighter clothing, it’s quite obvious. Also she’s almost certain that the occasional fluttering in her stomach is the baby moving and if she’s honest with herself, those are her only flashes of happiness.

She tries very hard not to think of the courting bead now hidden away in a small jewelry box. For the most part, she’s successful, but then her eyes find Bilbo’s and every painful memory comes back to her.

She needs to do something about it, but she doesn’t know what.

* * *

 

She’s half expecting the delegation from the Iron Hills, so she’s not really surprised when the news of her cousin’s imminent visit come around. Fili tells her that Dain had to leave for his own mountain shortly after the battle was over, wishing the Queen and her heirs a swiftly recover. Apparently it was all in good terms and Dain hadn’t seemed to be expecting anything considering he had helped them to defend the mountain, but well… it would be better to be prepared.

Besides, she’s really thankful for her cousin’s aid, so it’s not like she’s unwilling to offer some kind of reward for it.

She supposes a bit of a banquet is in order, even if it’ll have to be rather austere. It’s not like they’re lacking gold, of course, but the resources are scarce and she somehow doubts they’ll manage to trade much food with Dale (and of course anything they managed to get from Mirkwood wouldn’t do)

She walks around the Mountain, overseeing the preparations. The truth is that the city is still largely unpopulated: although a few warriors from Dain’s army stayed during the winter, there’s still a lot of inhabited homes. Her people from Ered Luin won’t start arriving until later this year and so the whole place still feels a little abandoned. Haunted too, although Thorin tries hard not to think about the ghosts that may be haunting the halls.

She rubs her belly gently, thinking of how nice it’ll be once Erebor is once more filled with children’s laughter. Children always bring hope and joy, even in the direst of circumstances. Among her people it’s considered a good omen if their new King or Queen is blessed with a babe within the first decade of their reign, so Thorin is quite hopeful about their future.

She just wishes her child’s future was as bright as the one of her people.

* * *

 

“Well meet, cousin.” Dain’s voice fill the Throne Room and Thorin smiles at him. Her cousin looks tired, but healthy and she’s glad that the Battle didn’t bring him any more injuries. She remembers all too well the battle of Azanulbizar and she’s glad Dain escaped unscratched this time.

“Well meet, Lord Dain,” she greets politely and her cousin laughs at the formality. He bows, as he’s supposed to do and then steps closer to the Throne, with the clear intention of pulling Thorin into a hug.

The Queen allows it, laughing when he squeezes her tightly. “Gave me a fright, you did. I was almost certain we were losing you.”

Thorin pats his back awkwardly, not sure what she can say. Still, she offers him a gentle smile when her cousin pulls away and surveys her with a critical eye.

Dain’s eyes land on her swollen belly and the Iron Hills Lord’s jaw hits the floor. Thorin almost laughs at this expression, but manages to stop herself, figuring it wouldn’t be polite. “My, cousin! You’re full of surprises, aren’t you?”

Thorin can no longer hold back her laughter and Dain laughs along with her. She sneaks a glance at the councilmen that came along with the redheaded dwarf and catches them eying her belly speculatively. She runs a hand through her hair self consciously, suddenly very aware of the fact that she’s missing engament or even courting braids.

“Well, I’d say a celebration is in order, huh?” Dain asks merrily and the Queen nods a bit tightly. She doesn’t particularly care for Dain’s councilmen calculating looks, but she figures it’s better not to comment.

There’ll be time for that later.

* * *

 

It’s not exactly unexpected, but it’s certainly unpleasant, when the questions about her child’s father start to come. Thorin keeps sending despairing glances in Bilbo’s direction, the hobbit obviously uncomfortable with the not quite subtle questions that the members of Dain’s council keep asking.

“I thought you said dwarves wouldn’t care about us not being married,” he tells her later, once they’re back to their rooms. Thorin can tell the hobbit is quite upset, although she can’t exactly figure out why.

“They don’t,” she tells him calmly, her gaze fixed on the fireplace.” They’re just trying to make sure I’m… available.”

“What?!” Bilbo exclaims, more than a little scandalized and Thorin is hard pressed not to smile at his sudden outrage. “But you’re- you’re pregnant! How can they even- That’s not- I mean-!”

Thorin shrugs non committedly. “I wear no engagement braids; not even courting ones. As far as everyone is concerned, my child’s father has no claim over me.”

She can sense the change in the air right away. She turns to Bilbo and notices the hobbit looks like he has just been stricken. She frowns, wondering what’s wrong, but Bilbo quickly shakes himself out of his stupor. “Right. You’re right, of course. No claim at all.”

“Bilbo-”

He turns around sharply, heading into his own room quickly. He doesn’t even say goodnight and he closes the door with a little too much strength, making the Queen flinch a little.

The baby kicks and Thorin rubs her belly soothingly, wondering once more what she said that upset Bilbo so.

* * *

 

“You told him what?!”

In retrospect, she probably shouldn’t have asked for her nephews’ input. But then again, they’re quite close to the hobbit and she figured that if someone could shed some light on her problem, it would be her two heirs.

But now they’re both watching her with matching horrified looks and she wonders once more what exactly she said that was so horrible. “I-”

“Do you remember what you told him at the Gate?” Fili asks her carefully, like he’s worried she might snap if he says the wrong thing.

The Queen frowns, trying to think. What happened at the Gates is fuzzy at best and she has always made a conscious effort not to remember much: she remembers holding Bilbo over the edge, her fingers digging into the soft skin of his neck, but as for what she actually said… “What did I say?”

Her sister’s sons sigh and share a despairing look among them. “You told Bilbo he had no claim over you.”

Thorin frowns, desperately trying to recall her words, but finds herself incapable of. It doesn’t matter, though. She now understands how horribly she messed up last night. “Oh.”

Kili rolls his eyes and Fili pokes him in the ribs. The younger dwarf sends a dark glare in his brother’s direction, but doesn’t say anything else. Thorin offers them an apologetic smile, before turning on her heel and heading back to her rooms, feeling quite pained.

It seems she can’t stop hurting the ones she loves.

* * *

 

She should have known this would happen, but to be honest, she sort of overlooked this possibility. That her new status of Queen of Erebor would make her quite a catch was given, but she had simply assumed she was too old to be of much interest for the Lords of other clans. But now that she has proven she’s not quite as old, since she can still carry children…

Well, she has become much more desirable.

She hates it. It’s stupid that her ability to carry children makes her a good prospect of a wife and she hates the idea of being married to someone who would want nothing more from her than her body. She dreads the idea of spending the rest of her life with someone who wouldn’t value her at all.

But she knows she’ll have to make do. They do need alliances; Dain came to her help in the Battle of the Five Armies, but he wasn’t technically obliged to it and if it all came down to it again…

Well, she’s not sure her cousin can defy his Council for her sake once more.

She rubs her temples tiredly, as she thinks of all the possibilities. She hopes there’ll be no more orcs attacks and if there are, she thinks that with Azog and Bolg dead, it’s likely they’re not organized enough to be a real threat, but-

Can she risk it?

It might not be quite as awful as she’s thinking. She’d just have to choose carefully; choose a husband who won’t intervene much on the running of her kingdom, someone who cares more for status and wealth than power. As for sharing her bed…

The mere thought of someone other than Bilbo taking her to bed is stomach turning. Still, she supposes she could make do. It wouldn’t be exactly pleasant, but it’s not like it really matters: the one person she longs for doesn’t want her anymore, so really, what’s the point?

The baby starts kicking in earnest, as he’s protesting against her plans and Thorin smiles grimly.

“Good thing you’ll never be King, little one,” she tells him softly. “Duty always comes first.”

* * *

 

“You can’t do that,” Fili tells her firmly and Thorin arches an eyebrow, challengingly. Next to her Balin looks grim, but doesn’t comment. Dwalin looks quite pained too, but just as his brother, he knows he ought to keep quiet.

“And what do you propose then, Crown Prince?”

Fili pursues his lips, “I could do it.”

“Fili-”

“No, no, listen to me,” the prince interrupts her. “I’m younger and I’m the Crown Prince. It just makes sense.”

“I can’t ask that of you,” the Queen says, trying to keep her tone even, her heart breaking a little at how much her Heir reminds her of her younger self. “As you said, you’re young Fili. You might still find your One and I-”

“So what? You’ll turn your back on YOUR One for the chance that I might meet mine?”

Thorin takes a deep breath, forcing back the hurt at the thoughts of Bilbo. “I’m not- I failed my One, Fili. And I lost him, so I don’t-”

“For Mahal’s Sake, Aunt! How can you not see he still loves you?!”

The baby starts kicking again, probably sensing his mother distress. Thorin closes her eyes, trying to keep her tears at bay, not wanting to break down in front of her most trusted friends and her heirs. “You don’t know what you’re talking about,” she utters darkly, with a sense of finality she hopes Fili will catch.

Fili clenches his jaw and glares, but doesn’t comment. “He does, though,” Kili intervenes, obviously not caring about his aunt’s tone. “If you bothered to look- really look- you’d see it.”

Thorin opens her mouth to argue, but Balin chooses to intervene before things escalate between the Royal Family. “There’s still time, Thorin. You don’t have to decide right now who and when will you be marrying; you shouldn’t let Dain’s Council pressure you into anything. I’m sure we could at least postpone any decision making until your own Council is here.”

“If we’re attacked-”

“Dain would fight with us again,” Dwalin assures her calmly. “He has said as much. Of course his Council wants you to marry some of their people, but they’ll be reasonable about it. It’s understandable that you’d need time for making that type of decision.”

Thorin doesn’t really like the idea, but relents. In her opinion, it would be better to be done with this unpleasant situation, but she’ll have to trust her friends and heirs’ opinion and hope for the best.

It’s not a particularly reassuring thought.        

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m not super pleased on how this turned out, but it certainly conveys what I had planned so… yeah, it works.  
> I’ll have to finish this soon though, before the drama becomes way too unbelievable, I think. There are a couple of scenes I still want to write, but well… after that, I think I’ll start heading towards the ending.  
> Thoughts anyone?  
> Thanks for reading!


	8. Of love and marriage

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Another visit from Thranduil brings more revelations.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s been awhile since I’ve updated this, hasn’t it? Well… I’ve been terribly distracted by other fics and I’m sorry!!! But this week I decided to write at least another chapter before I went on holidays; I’m not sure happy with it, but it works somewhat.  
> Enjoy?

Thorin wonders what would happen if some tragic accident was to happen to king Thranduil. She wouldn’t want to risk another war, particularly not now, but maybe she could convince Bard to stand with them this time? They’d probably still be outnumbered but if the Elven King continues like this, she thinks she’ll risk it.

Balin and Fili keep kicking her under the table whenever it looks like she’s a second away from snapping. It’s not nice, but it does serve it’s purpose. Her child seems to share their idea too, because he too kicks her whenever she can feel her anger getting the best of her.

Dain’s Council isn’t helping either. They have their own ideas of how diplomatic meetings should be held, but Thorin doesn’t pay them much mind. It’s not like the Iron Hills need much from other kingdoms, so it’s not like they have any use for allies.

But Erebor does need these alliances, so Thorin must put up with the Elven King.

It’s late at night when the meeting gets interrupted so dinner can be served. All for the best, considering that if things had continued for any longer Thorin doubts anyone would have been able to stop her from murdering Thranduil.

But of course, that’s when the real complications start.

Kili joins them for dinner and Thranduil narrows his eyes at him. Thorin finds it odd, but since the other monarch doesn’t comment, neither does Thorin. A few minutes later Bilbo enters the room, followed by Tauriel and when the Elven King’s eyes land on his previous Captain of Guard, a smirk spreads across his thin lips, making the female elf freeze.

Tauriel sends a panicked look in Kili’s direction, but the young prince is arguing with his brother, so he doesn’t notice. Thorin does though, and she worries about what it’s about to happen.

“It seems, Your Majesty,” Thranduil begins, his eyes never leaving Tauriel and the elf tenses even further, “that every time I come into your Mountain, congratulations are in order.”

The room goes quiet suddenly, an unnerving silence that makes Thorin frown. She catches sight of Kili’s now panicked look and she arches an eyebrow questioningly. The prince hurries to look away so she turns to Fili, who’s also carefully avoiding eye contact.

“Whatever you mean?” she asks, her tone calm despite her sudden nervousness. Thranduil smugness can’t be due anything good.

“Why, the marriage of course!”

Thorin’s eyebrows shot up and for a traitorous second, her eyes land on Bilbo, but she quickly snaps herself out of it. She turns to stare at Thranduil through narrowed eyes and the blond king smirks. “Although since Tauriel lacks any close kin, the polite thing to do would have been to ask for my blessing.”

“You vanished me,” the elf maiden argues, standing tall and proud. “I have no kin and no king, so I need nobody’s blessing.”

Thranduil stares at her, one eyebrow raised. “Is that so? How about the prince, didn’t he need anyone’s blessing either?”

Thorin’s head is spinning, the words not making any sense. “I thought you were just courting?” she asks Kili and the younger dwarf looks away, chewing his lip. “Kili?”

“You know our customs aren’t like yours, Your Majesty,” Thranduil interrupts smoothly, still looking quite smug. “Marriage for us-”

Thorin knows exactly what marriage involves for elves. She gulps. “Kili?”

The prince sighs, but seems to have come to a decision. He stands up and goes to stand next to his _wife_ , holding her hand and standing tall and proud declares. “It’s true. We’ve been married for over two months.”

The silence gets even more oppressive after that. Thorin holds back a groan, thinking of how her sister is going to murder her when she finds out and she can already hear what Dain’s council will have to say about one of her heirs being married to an elf, but- well-

She can’t begrudge her nephew his happiness. After all, she knows what being in love is like.

“Well, we should make it official then,” she states and Kili turns to stare at her in open surprise. “An actual dwarven marriage, I mean,” she clarifies, not letting the tense atmosphere unnerve her. “It’s only right.”

Kili beams brightly at her, before throwing his arms around her in obvious happiness. Thorin pats his back awkwardly and soon enough Fili has joined the hug. Tauriel sends a smug smile on her previous king’s direction, who’s staring at them open mouthed and Thorin can’t help to chuckle a little.

These are good news, no matter what others might say.

Love always is.

* * *

 

“You handled it really well,” Bilbo tells her later, once they’re back to their Chambers. He’s smiling and so Thorin smiles back, before shrugging.

“Kili loves her. That’s all that matters.”

Bilbo hums thoughtfully. “I saw that Dain’s Council didn’t take the news so well, though. Do you think that will be a problem?” he sounds honestly concerned and Thorin can’t help to smile a little, moved by how much Bilbo seems to care for her sister’s sons.

“It shouldn’t be. Dain’s Council has no say over what happens in my mountain; just because we need their help right now, it shouldn’t mean that they get to dictate how I manage things in here.”

Bilbo seems unconvinced, but doesn’t press. Thorin is glad, because it doesn’t matter how self assured she sounded, she’s not quite so certain. With how precarious their situation is right now, it wouldn’t do to upset her cousin’s council.

That’s why Thranduil becoming an ally is so important; it’d make her position more secure even without the support from the Iron Hills.

Too bad Thranduil insists on being such a nuisance.

“So, we have a wedding to plan?” Bilbo asks lightheartedly and Thorin smiles.

“It seems so.”

Bilbo smiles back.

* * *

 

The party is rather mild, considering the little time they had to actually plan something and the low supplies. Thorin can tell Thranduil wasn’t pleased about it, but due some sense of misplaced pride, decided to help with the preparations since Tauriel was from his Realm.

Elven politics it’s not something Thorin cares for, so she doesn’t ask questions. Besides, it seems that not even Tauriel can explain the king’s change of heart.

But regardless of the simple preparations, it’s quite a pleasant affair, with lots of drink and dancing. Thorin can’t indulge in the first, seeing she’s carrying a child and she doesn’t care to indulge in the second, but she smiles brightly at the dancing couples from her place of honour at the newlyweds table.

She watches Kili and Tauriel dancing and her heart feels lighter at their obvious happiness. She knows her sister will probably be mad at missing the wedding (not to mention that Kili married an _elf_ ), but she’ll forgive everyone once she sees how happy her son is. It’s quite obvious to anyone that the couple is very much in love and something as petty as politics wasn’t going to keep them apart.

That’s how love is supposed to be, she thinks: so strong that it may overcome any obstacle, no matter what.

Her eyes search for Bilbo without any conscious thought on her part. Whenever she thinks of love, her eyes go to her beloved, even if he doesn’t quite love her anymore.

The thought sends a fresh wave of pain through her. It’s pointless to torture herself with what-ifs and her many regrets, but she can’t help it. She knows she brought this upon herself, but it doesn’t make it any less hurtful.

She rubs her belly gently, her eyes trained on Bilbo who is happily chatting with the Ur brothers. She longs to go to him, even if it’s just to stand by his side and hear him talk. It’s ridiculous and rather unbecoming of a Queen as herself to be so obviously pining, but she doesn’t particularly care for what people might think.

But then her eyes land on the members of Dain’s council, who are sitting all close together and muttering among them. She knows they’re not pleased by the development, but their opinions shouldn’t matter: this is her Mountain and she’ll do as she sees fit.

However, the matter of the alliance is turning more and more pressing. Dain will help them as much as he can, but if his councilmen start getting reckless…

She knows a marriage would help to settle them down. Yet she still hesitates, seeing her heart still clenches whenever she catches sight of her hobbit. She loves him so and if he still felt the same for her, nothing would convince her of not marrying him. And Dain’s people would understand, because no one would begrudge anyone marrying their One, even if that’s not what’s more suitable for the kingdom, but-

It’s useless to think about that. The fact remains that Bilbo doesn’t love her anymore and so she’s technically free to marry out of convenience.

She goes back to scanning the crowd, her good mood gone now. This time her eyes land on her Heir and she arches her eyebrows after seeing the young prince deep in conversation with the Men’s princess.

Sigrid laughs at something, a soft blush spreading across her cheeks and Fili beams at her, standing a little taller and prouder. He’s showing off and Thorin can’t help the fond smile that comes unbidden to her.

It might not come to anything, but that little spectacle reminds her why she must be the one doing the marriage to secure an alliance.

“Care to dance?”

The offer comes out of nowhere, startling her a little. Her cousin smiles gently at her, offering her his hand and Thorin knows it would be impolite not to accept, even if she doesn’t feel like dancing. So she smiles and stands up, taking Dain’s hand and letting him lead her to the dancing floor.

“They make quite a striking pair,” Dain tells her, his eyes fixed on Kili and Tauriel. “A little odd, maybe, but striking anyway.”

Thorin nods, uncertain if she should say something. “He does love her.”

Dain hums. “It must be a family thing. The unusual Ones, I mean.”

Thorin sighs, shaking her head. “I-”

“Why won’t you marry your hobbit, cousin? It’s clear to anyone with eyes that you’re deeply in love with him.”

The Queen avoids looking at him in the eye, getting lost in her own thoughts and longing for a little while. “He’s been lost to me,” she whispers sadly, still not looking at her cousin. “In my greed, I cast him away and so I lost him.”

The other dwarf doesn’t respond for a long while and Thorin thinks he has dropped the issue when he says, “are you certain? Because it doesn’t quite look that way to me.”

But before Thorin can ask about that, someone clears their throat next to them. Thorin turns to glare at the newcomer, but she quickly changes her mind when she sees Bilbo is the one standing next to them. “Would you mind me cutting in, Lord Dain?” the hobbit asks pleasantly and the dwarf chuckles good naturedly.

“Not at all, Master Baggins.” Dain assures him, winking at his cousin before letting go of her and disappearing among the crowd. Thorin frowns, but doesn’t try to call him back and instead turns to Bilbo hesitantly.

Bilbo smiles nervously, offering her his hand. Thorin takes it gingerly, almost reverently and falls into step as Bilbo starts swaying. It’s a bit odd, considering their height difference, but she feels warm inside and that makes her smile.

“It’s quite a lovely affair, don’t you think?”

She hums non committedly, too focused on enjoying the other’s proximity. “Lovely indeed. You did well, considering the little time you had.”

Bilbo chuckles, “oh, wedding planning is something that comes quite naturally to any hobbit worth his salt. As for a quick organization… well, it’s not that uncommon for the bride to be already with child when the wedding happens, so-” he interrupts himself, having noticed what he has just said and how potentially uncomfortable it might be, blushing immediately.

Thorin smiles, forlorn. She could have asked for marriage and Bilbo would have complied, but it wouldn’t have been fair. Using her child just to keep his father… it didn’t seem right at the time and it still doesn’t, so-

“I imagine my sister won’t be pleased,” she says, figuring a change of subject is needed. “Not about the bride’s race or how rushed the wedding was. But since they’ve already done it the elvish way, it was only right to make it official.”

Bilbo nods. “Your sister is quite a formidable dwarrowdam, from what I’ve been told. With more common sense than all the rest of the line of Durin put together, if rumor is to be believed.”

Thorin laughs loudly at that and although Bilbo looks startled for a second, he quickly smiles. The Queen shakes her head, still laughing. “That might be true. In fact, I very distinctly remember she calling this whole mission a foolish errand and forbidding me and her sons to leave Ered Luin.”

“So you ran away in the middle of the night?” Bilbo asks, amused and Thorin laughs once more.

“More or less, to be completely honest. Not that any of us would admit it, of course.”

Bilbo continues smiling at her affectionately and she’s not quite sure what she ought to do. She wants to bask into the warmth of that lovely smile, but knows that indulging too much on the hobbit’s presence and the illusion of affection will only hurt her further.

She looks away, trying to gather her thoughts and sees the smile slipping off Bilbo’s lips. He squeezes her tighter and the Queen closes her eyes, enjoying the closeness and yet feeling terribly scared. “I- I think I’ll be retiring now,” she whispers after a while, pulling away. “I’m tired.”

Bilbo doesn’t seem to believe her, but nods anyway. She bites her lip, wanting to say something more, but quickly dismisses the thought and instead offers him a last smile, before hurrying out of the hall, her heart beating loudly in her chest.

There’s nothing for her down that road. Bilbo has made his decision and although he might still care for her somewhat, he’s not in love with her anymore. She must keep this in mind or she’ll end up _hoping_  and that, that-

She’ll only get her heart broken once more.

So with a last quick glance in her hobbit’s direction, she heads towards her chambers.

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So… thoughts anyone?  
> The transitions between scenes feel a bit forced to me, as well as Thranduil’s revelation. But maybe that’s just me being paranoid ;)  
> I sketched the plot for this to be 12 chapters long, but chapter 9 and 10 might just become one, if 9 ends up being too short. It’ll depend of how much emotion I can write down ;)  
> Thanks for reading and let me know what you thought!

**Author's Note:**

> You can also find me in my [tumblr](http://ylc1.tumblr.com/)


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